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 | | Andrew "D00k" Portner |
This weekend I was given the opportunity to watch my parents’ new puppy while they went to Las Vegas. I use the term “opportunity” in the sense that John Wayne Bobbit had the “opportunity” of getting his penis cut off while he slept. Basically it’s the kind of opportunity where you didn’t want it to happen in the first place and it ends up hurting when you pee for the rest of your life. That kind of opportunity. So instead of paying money and being extremely content and entertained in a far-away, exotic city, I was extremely bitter and irritable at home for free. It all works out though, because rather than measuring the success of my life using a scale of how good I feel, like a normal person would, I measure my life using a scale of how extremely I experience any emotion at all while I spend as little money as possible. This method of evaluation works particularly well, especially if you’re unemployed. Then you can justify feeling acute amounts of disappointment in yourself while you do nothing with your life. It works even better if you’re cleaning dog urine off your wood floor while constantly swearing.
In a way puppies are exactly like babies, except they never grow up to be a person. Getting a canine companion instead of a child may have been a good route if you were the high school football legend who almost made it to play pro ball and your son disappointingly ended up being a gay dancer who had a supporting role in “Cats.” Or the converse could be true. Maybe you were the vehemently gay high school dance prodigy who almost made it to stardom on Broadway and your son grew up to be a Republican congressman from Texas with a wife and two kids. Or maybe you just had a daughter. Any of these reasons are enough to make you wish you had a dog instead of a kid. I can only assume this is logic is valid since I’m not a parent and also I tune people out when they start talking about their personal problems. But buying a puppy can be a good alternative to having a kid, especially if you’re too awkward or unattractive to have sex with a human being. However, the steps of raising a puppy or a child are very similar, and in many cases worse for the dog owner.
First of all, puppies are committed to peeing and pooping on every square foot of your floor. This would be beneficial if we lived in the made-up fantasy land of Floorpeeia, where urine-soaked carpet is used as currency and the prospect of having an animal smart and skilled enough to defile anything below it bought you a mansion and the key to the city. Unfortunately, in the real world, cleaning up another animal’s waste only appeals to perverts and zoologists. What’s worse, puppies would rather die than see your carpet untarnished by bodily fluids. I once saw a puppy actually die TO tarnish a carpet with bodily fluids. Of course this happened in a crude drawing I made in paint, and the dog looked more like a yellow oval getting its ass kicked by an angry gang of uneven purple line segments. However, the argument stands. Puppy accidents are a perfectly acceptable consequence of rearing, whereas if a baby somehow urinates or defecates on your floor, you’re doing something extremely wrong. Maybe you’re one of those hippies who believes in your baby running free without the hindrance of cotton or synthetically absorbent paper. Or you read somewhere that safety-pin production contributes more to global warming than John Madden’s digestive system. But if that’s the case, you probably wouldn’t read this article since I didn’t once mention George W. Bush or the cooling effects of armpit-hair-woven clothing. Also your baby will end up useless and retarded. Sorry, that’s just life. Get a job next time, hippie.
To be fair, I decided to give my dog the benefit of the doubt and made a list of pros and cons to decide how I felt about going to the bathroom on the floor.
Pros:
Relieving myself whenever I wanted
Turning the now-unnecessary bathroom into some kind of funhouse mirror puzzle or a shrine to Journey (while Steve Perry was the lead singer)
Making bodily fluid related puns such as “pee-fore and after,” or “PooTube.com”
Cons:
Everything
Based upon my previous reasoning I did not rule in favor of the puppy, and disappointingly was unable to sway her judgment on the matter. In a desperate plea, she tried to convince me to see her view on the matter by forcing me to participate in a fun and challenging game she invented called “ripping the paper towel you’re using to clean up my pee to shreds and then trying to bite you.” For me, this brings urine maintenance to a whole new level of difficulty. Casually wiping up pee would have been too mundane and perfunctory for my glamorous and outlandish tastes. Now I’m competing head-to-head with a skilled opponent in a game of making my life a living hell. And it’s cheaper than Xbox live. Thanks dog, you saved the day.
Mistakenly I assumed that at nine weeks a dog can respond to its own name or at least react when I scream, “NO! WHY GOD WHY!!!! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING!!! WHYYYYYYYY.” Nope. Not even a flinch. They just think, “Wow, someone is really getting yelled at right now. I should just keep peeing on this rug and nonchalantly try to fit in.” Once they pop they cannot stop, similar to Pringles consumers and heroin addicts. In an attempt to combat the semi-daily floor cleaning, I would take the puppy outside every hour or two so she could expel any waste she had accumulated over the day. However, I forgot that dogs are from a different culture than I, and do not interpret commands and body language in the same way. For example, when I take her to the same spot she’s peed a million times before and say “You gotta go potty? Go potty. Who’s gotta go potty? You gotta go potty. Go potty!” what I’m actually conveying is the command to walk away, attack some of our landscaping and fall over playfully. It’s a lot like when you’re dating a girl and you tell her you want to be with her forever, but she erroneously hears you giving her permission to get drunk at and have sex with the guy whose sole purpose at a party is to pump the keg and creepily stare at girls’ cleavage. Screw you Stacy, you stupid bitch. I’m glad we broke up.
Puppies are also dedicated to putting anything and everything in their mouth and chewing it. I once saw a dog put the ideological concept of existentialism in its mouth, chew it, and then spit it out next to a slobbery pile of surrealism. You may have been apprehensively expecting a penis joke after the opening statement of this paragraph, but the readers of this site aren’t satisfied with sophomoric, low-brow humor. Or are they? If you are, you may want to check out this next joke:
It’s cool to listen to TLC now, because Left Eye is underground.
Get it? It’s funny because she’s dead. Also if you laughed at that joke, you don’t have a soul and are going to hell. Sorry, I don’t make the rules. All I know is that it’s morally irreprehensible to laugh at a deceased person unless they’re a tyrant, even if they did create the song “No Scrubs.”
Puppies will chew any object they find. The only way I could see this as beneficial is if you were involved in some kind of gum-chewing contest and were way behind schedule. However if you have that issue to tackle you’re probably the most screwed up human being on the planet. Otherwise, puppy chewing habits are disastrous to your décor. You begin to question your life when you correct your dog multiple times for chewing on a wall. That’s right, a wall. Companies have spent millions of dollars to mass produce toys, ropes, balls, Frisbees, bones, treats, and squeaky animals – all of which are on my floor – so that dogs have something non-destructive to put in their mouths, but my puppy will ignore bright colors and market research to chew on something textured and load-bearing.
After sixteen puppy-filled hours, you might think, well at least now I can get some sleep, right? Wrong. Although puppies will go to the bathroom anytime and anywhere they feel like it, they will not pee where they sleep. So every two hours you will hear an alerting, ultrasonic shriek that is so powerful it briefly alters the space-time continuum. This intriguing and annoying phenomenon has been studied by NASA astrophysicists and unsuccessfully by Pauly Shore in a failed attempt to travel back to the mid 1990’s when he had a career. After taking the dog outside and explaining using commands, gestures, semaphore, Morse code, Braille and interpretive dance that it is time for the dog to do its business, you’ve only completed half of the battle. The other half consists of the dog projecting the same deafening whines for a half hour to indicate it’s not happy about being in its crate. If you manage to endure a torture that makes suicide seem like a fortuitous option and actually fall back asleep, prepare to repeat this ritual another three times. Dante once described a similar circle of Hell, or I imagine he did for I have since lost the ability to recall information, speak coherently, or open doors. Send help. Please.
Based upon my previous rhetoric, it would be easy to assume that I hate puppies. Nothing could be further from the truth. Puppies are fun and infectiously cute – it’s what allows them to get away with anything, no matter how bad. Some people suggest that O.J. Simpson was part puppy. However, raising puppies is downright exhausting. It’s like cake. Do I like eating it? Yeah, it’s delicious. Do I like making it? No, it’s tedious and messy. Do I like having it and eating it too? I have no idea, because that phrase doesn’t make any sense to me. I get cake, which is considered “having” it. Then I eat it. If I continue “having” it and not eating it, it gets gross and is no longer considered cake, infested by more unwanted bacteria than Paris Hilton. That joke is funny because she has lots of gross sex. Anyway buying a puppy can be one of the most rewarding experiences of your life. Just make sure you have someone else take care of it for you.
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 | | That Popular Guy Adam Christensen |
With Thanksgiving just one day away, people are reflecting about what they are really thankful for. But for some it is hard to find those things in a world full of poverty, war, and Eddie Murphy movies. So I have comprised a list of a few things I am thankful for this Thanksgiving.
Anna Kournikova
Last month, it was rumored that this hot number was to retire from tennis. From this news men everywhere cried out in disbelief, "she played tennis?" Well the answer is yes..or at least she tries to. Ah, but sucking at your main profession has never looked so good. It's nice to live in a world where the most financially successful tennis player is also one of the worst. But have you seen that back hand? mmmm hmmm.
Sesame Street Aids Muppet
The good folks at Sesame Street have made a muppet to spread aids awareness throughout the world. Their goal is to inform people that young kids having the virus is so common that even a weird, yellow, ant eater type thing can have it. They also want to tell kids that being born with this uncurable disease is not...as bad...as it may seem...um..but, anyways. This is a very unprofitable thing for them to do since their target audience will be dead by the age of 5. It goes to show you that there are more important things than money...like not being HIV positive..aaahahahahahaha AAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA, HO HO HOOO. Man I hope hell isn't as bad as they say it is.
Stupid Lawsuits
Only in America can people get rich off of their own stupidity. For example, a California woman sued a grocery store after she dropped a six-pack of beer on her feet. The woman was not injured, but she said that it hurt. She also has a very difficult recovery period, which consisted of about 5 minutes of "walking it off". She won the lawsuit. Then their is the 800lb woman who demanded the government give her a new apartment because...it was too small..for her. Oddly enough she got what she asked for. But then she sued them because they didn't transfer her fast enough. I guess that's what they get for putting her on the second floor. And of course there's the person that gave her dog a bath and then decided that the microwave was the best tool to dry it off. Thus, she stuck the dog in there for 3:00 on low (cause putting it on high could be dangerous) and tried to sue the microwave company after the dog...well..died. Maybe next time they will add a much needed "don't put living things in here you God Damn idiot" tag on each microwave box. These things are so humorous that i don't care that we spend millions upon millions in tax dollars to fund these court cases.
Justin Timberlake
First of all, nothing JUSTIFIES how bad his solo album is...HAHAHAHAHAHAA oh but seriously folks. I know you are all asking yourself, why would I be thankful for someone who's lyric sheet makes my eyes bleed. Well it's all a matter of relativity. Thanks to Justin, crappy music doesn't seem so bad anymore. Now, listening to No Doubt or Phil Collins seems almost pleasent. Especially after Justin Timberlake's song "Let's take a ride" made my ears vomit. Although i am not thankful for the fact that a few months ago he won a "music of black origins award." Now beating him up will be a hate crime.
Other things i am thankful for are friends, family, pecan pie, homestarrunner.com, hot girls with low self esteem, and my Grampa who probably won't be around to celebrate this holiday next year. Have a great thanksgiving and remember, just like Justin Timberlake, even things that suck can be good for something.
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| | Andrew "D00k" Portner |
In 1879, Thomas Edison publicly displayed his latest invention: the incandescent light bulb. In 1905, Albert Einstein proposed what today is called the special theory of relativity. In 1955, Jonas Salk released the world’s first Polio vaccine. And now, in the year 2003, MTV has put them all to shame by releasing the television show “Rich Girls.”
“Rich Girls,” a divine manifestation on television, is a reality show where cameramen follow two young women around New York City and watch them buy clothing and other various items. Since the inception of television – or even since the dawn of time itself – no human creation has even come close to matching “Rich Girls’” sheer perfection. After reading up on some brief details of the show’s plot, I have come up with my own theory of the creation of this holy television show. I cannot verify this story with facts or research, only with the sensation of truth burning within my mortal soul.
I will set the scene for you: It is a bleak and boring day at Music Television headquarters. The outlook of creating another successful television show looks dismal. Suddenly, a loud chorus trumpets from the horizon. The workers quickly jerk their heads in the direction of the commotion, only to witness the clouds parting in the sky. A golden, heavenly beam shines down upon the hilly terrain. The workers follow the beam upwards to see God’s face smiling down upon them.
“My children,” God declares, “you are my most precious creation. You have provided me with such great programs as ‘Punk’d,’ and ‘Total Request Live.’ And now, I bestow to you my gift.”
The room is still; the cacophony of office chatter has become an eerie silence. “Get two teenage girls to walk around New York City purchasing garments and robes for their aesthetic delight. Capture their zany antics with your modern television cameras. Attend not just to their purchasing habits, but listen closely to their dialogue and gossip, for it is to listen to the prophecies of angels.”
God then fades back toward heaven, and the sky closes and all returns to normal.
Obviously, I was not present at the creation of this show. However, after learning that there finally exists a show that involves two girls walking around New York City, buying clothes and talking about boys and sex, is there any doubt that there is a divine presence behind all of this? If you are still skeptical, I present you with a quote from one of the main characters, Ally Hilfiger: “We just prance around this damn city like it's, like, our shopping haven. Just because we're rich doesn't mean that we're not good people.”
My soul has been penetrated by a holy ray of light, shining from the heavenly beacon that is Ally Hilfiger. “Just because we’re rich doesn’t mean that we’re not good people.” No Ally, it definitely does not. You are doing more for humanity by simply helping in the broadcast of this show than Mother Teresa could have accomplished in twenty lifetimes. I have a feeling that all religious and philosophical texts will have to make room for the teachings and the lessons learned in “Rich Girls.” New religious sects will form, throwing out the old and tired ways of organized religion and moving toward a unified orthodox church of “Rich Girls.” Anything else is the doctrine and dogma of fools.
Jamie Gleicher, Ally’s counterpart, is not to be overlooked. “Money does not buy happiness,” quoted Gleicher. The truth of her words has purged my mind of impure and malevolent emotions and replaced them with a sense of serenity and calmness, as if I have been touched by an angel and granted the power to live as a member of the spiritually enlightened.
In the premiere, Ally and Jamie shop for dresses for prom and visit a salon to have their hair styled and nails done. Jamie debates whether or not to lose her virginity on prom night, while I debate how I am going to survive the wave of anticipation and anxiety surrounding my body until the national broadcast of “Rich Girls” on October 28th at 7:30 pm P.T. Be prepared for the United States to be transformed into a utopia of peace and goodwill, for “Rich Girls” shall surely allow humanity to transcend to perfection.
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| Misc | yahoo | | complete cruise vacation packages at discounted prices |
| Auction | blink182 | | song |
| Image | Pat | | MMMM PEDOPHILIA |
| Auction | IRC | | I'll pay a thousand dollars! |
| Image | IRC | | Gary Coleman... still pimpin |
| Image | Family Circus | | Can someone explain this one to me |
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| Audio | O'Reilly Factor | | TAKE THAT NPR |
| Image | SomethingAwful Forums | | OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW |
| Misc | Google | | the primeTime sublime Community Orchestra |
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| Video | Ebaumsworld | | Fensler Films does even more old GI Joe cartoons |
| Video | Ebaumsworld | | Fensler Films does old GI Joe cartoons |
| News | CNN | | GET OUT AUTISM SPIRITS! OUT! |
| Weird | Milk Wonders. | | haha.. stickin stuff in the eyebrow ring hole :x |
| Auction | CLICK THE LINK! | | HAHA-fucking-HA |
| Flash | BrianMung.com | | Look out! Here comes the Spiderman! |
| Webpage | S-o-u-r-c-e? | | Huzzah! The mad ranting and jibberish of a hopeless drunk! |
| Webpage | LOGGED.org | | bash.org remade without waiting 2 months |
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| Misc | Yahoo | | Stories of horror and torture as Files,Photos of spoof CD Sleeves |
| Video | some fuckin asian place | | video made by asians, need i say more? |
| Video | Some Website | | Weird video featuring singing brains, boobs, and weiners |
| Flash | Mice | | LOOK AT THE MONKEY DANCE! |
| Webpage | StatusROOT.org | | Everything you always thought that you never wanted to know. |
| Auction | Google | | Choke on these opinions. |
| Flash | Some Uk Site | | Feed the nine-mouthed baby game... |
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